Monday, January 29, 2007


This weekend, we had our Disciple Now, a weekend of worship and community for our youth. I'm just soooo tired...

After my accident last Saturday, I've begun to rethink many things in my life. First is love. Love is powerful. Love is rare, true love. Love is such an amazing thing. I do not believe that love is an emotion, although it is partly that. Instead, love is something we do, and something that happens. "There's never a rational explanation for falling in love." was the sentence that was just said on the TV as I'm typing this (strange, huh??).

I have begun to see relationships in my life that are bound solidly by love. And I have begun to acknowledge and voice my love for others. I verbally express my love for friends and family while I'm alive and have the chance.

The Sunday after the accident, I walked into church with my guitar to lead worship. I had to; I had no choice but to worship. I plugged in my guitar and we sang. I don't worship like I did a week and a half ago. I have so much more respect, reverence, and fear. We sang, "I Will Lift My Eyes."

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs you now
God be near, calm my fear
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes
to the maker of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
to the calmer of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes
to the healer of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes
To you

I had planned to go this song for worship the past several weeks, but for one reason or another, we never did (one week we had to cancel services because of the weather). So, the day after my accident, I found myself singing a song that meant more to me than it had ever meant before.

The first time we sang this song in worship was beautiful. It has come to mean more to me since then...

See, I have a problem with pride; I'm seeing that more everyday. I have a hard time accepting service from others. But I'm a sinner, and I'm not perfect. I have issues. While, I've never believed that I had it all panned out, I have begun to see that crying out for help to others and to God is the picture of humility. I'm so used to serving and offering counsel, I find myself struggling to cry out for help.

But now I cry to God. I will lift my eyes to the hills, where my help comes from. God has always rescued. He always saves - even, and maybe especially, a sinner like me.

I find myself struggling with reconciling the emotions I feel about someone leaving me for dead on a roadway with the love of enemies and the pacifism I preach and espouse so passionately on this blog, and what I believe is the New Testament's picture of witness and forgiveness.

I struggle. I sin. I'm trying to just figure this Christianity thing out.

But I am not there yet. So, I lift my eyes to the hills, where God will come, providing me with all the grace and mercy I need, and then some.

God runs to his children. It's like the story of the Prodigal Son, or more accurately, the Willing -to-be-humiliated-by-running Father. God, the all-powerful creator of the universe, is willing to run to me, to pick me up and hold my in his arms. To love me, even with all my issues.

I have nothing to fear, my running to God. I have nothing to fear, by crying to him and crawling in his arms. He will not reject or turn me away. Instead he will cherish it. Because, though I am a sinner, I want to me with and near him.

But my help is coming. And he is love, grace, and mercy.

Amen and amen.

1 comment:

Kelli said...

It is awesome that you are being honest. I'm glad that you are sticking to what you believe about pacifism in all of this, and I'm glad that you're honest about your struggle with it. I've been thinking about pacifism a lot over the last year, but it is so hard to find anyone who practices it in anyway here that I can easily talk to. Thank you for being honest; it helps me understand it more. Kelli